In the early years of my marriage, I was so guilty of this. My marriage started off rough, because my husband lost his job a few months before our wedding. I thought this would be a brief stint, but three years passed before he was full-time employed again.
I was disappointed. He was deflated. My stress level from being the sole earner was through the roof. I was resentful, and when I hung out with my group of friends, I vented all my frustrations like I was breathing fire.
This wasn’t the type of venting that was an honest release of my emotions. I certainly was complaining more than I was praying. I was insulting and dishonoring toward him. That particular group of friends understood my frustrations, but instead of encouraging and correcting me, they laughed.
Two things helped me realize how out of line I was:
- My husband discovered a text message of me bashing him to a friend. He was crushed by what he read. Even though I was expressing these frustrations at home, reading it hit differently. I was making a spectacle of him at a time when he was at his lowest.
- One of these former friends took the mic. This friend bashed my husband with the same contempt that I was expressing. This may sound hypocritical, but I was offended, like “Hold on, don’t talk about my husband like that.” My behavior had given her license to criticize my husband, too. She also had a habit of privately and publicly shaming her husband.
Honor & Shame Matter in Marriage
Those of us in the Western world tend to think of ourselves as individuals. Some of us have an I-don’t-care-what-nobody-think mentality, even towards the people we’re living with. I admit that I inherited this behavior from friends and relatives who had never been around honorable men. So they complained to each other.
Even though we were speaking from a place of justified hurt and disappointment, this coping mechanism was unbiblical.
Honor and shame matter in our marriages.
Honor gives a sense of worth and value to the people we love. It’s not merely saying nice things about them, but it’s showing respect for their position in our lives regardless whether they’re performing well at that position.
Insult, contempt, disrespect — all of these are forms of dishonor. They bring shame to our husbands, especially when we do it in front of an audience.
Bashing our husbands destroys the unity that we should have toward each other. In a sports team, if the star player didn’t perform well, the other teammates wouldn’t berate him in the press conference. And even in private, they’re going to give him a level of honor because of his position.
Scriptures About Love & Respect for Husbands
Ephesians 5:21-33
21 submitting to one another in the fear of [a]God. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might [b]sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, [c]of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
1 Corinthians 13
13 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body [a]to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not [b]puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, [c]thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is [d]perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
One of my ongoing struggles is to be respectful when I’ve been disrespected. That tendency to declare war when I’ve been wounded is a demon I’m constantly stabbing, but overall I think I’ve since graduated from this behavior of casually bashing my husband to other people.
My employees and friends now compliment how awesome my husband seems because I constantly speak highly of him. In my closest inner circle, we have a safe space to discuss marriage issues, but the tone is more about looking for biblical resolutions, not high fives.
As Aneesa, Meachum Village Marriage Coach, advised me: My husband often needs more watering than pruning.
For women who also need to outgrow this habit, here’s a video from Bindi Marc that discusses how we shame our husbands—and ourselves— when we speak of them with dishonor. After that, there are two shorts from Olivia Alexa with a list of things we should be saying instead.
Reflection Questions:
- What drives you to bash your husband to friends and family members?
- Does your circle of friends co-sign your behavior, or do they correct it?
- Think of the women in your circle. Do your conversations with them speak honorably about men, or does it sound like a chorus of resentment?
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