I remember having a conversation about sex with a Christian friend who was a leader in her church. I was shocked when she said:
- She has no sex drive…ever
- She and her husband only had sex once every few months. Her choice, not his
- She doesn’t do doggy style because that’s how pornography demeans women
- She doesn’t do oral sex because it’s objectifying
Here’s How Bad Sex in Marriage Violates Scripture
First of all, Paul tells us as married people not to deny each other sex. If scripture is our final authority, that means satisfying sex has to be looked at as both a privilege and responsibility of marriage, not something filthy.
Secondly, let me muse a bit: In Genesis 1-3, we get a front row seat on the most spectacular show ever: God created the Earth. He created this amazing planet with such intricacy that we have hundreds of scientific fields trying to figure this thing out. It functions with razor sharp precision, and he clearly made a point to create with spectacular beauty.
He created our bodies with that same eye towards the senses. We have the capacity to feel pleasure and get sexually stimulated from how our spouse’s bodies look, feel, smell, taste, and sound.
Let’s Deal With The Most Common Issue: Oral Sex
How many of us know pearl-clutching chics like this who say they won’t do certain positions or give their husband oral sex because it’s bad, like in this scene from the movie, The Brothers (WARNING: They Cuss):
For all the Christian women who struggle with sexual pleasure, think about the penis for a minute. What are its primary functions:
- To help the man pee
- To help him ejaculate so you can get pregnant
- To bring him to orgasm
- To bring you to orgasm
So, basically half the reasons why God created the penis are about the woman’s happiness: Giving her children and giving her orgasms.
Yet, we have demonized this beautiful tool because some people choose to misuse it. That’s like saying, “I’m never buying knives because people get stabbed.” Stabbing people was not the reason knives were created. We can’t condemn something that God created for good just because other men choose to misuse it.
So if God created the man’s penis to please women—before women even came on the scene—who are we to label it as something bad?
And our Father is so amazing, that he gave women’s bodies a pleasure button called the clitoris. It literally has no other function than to give us orgasms. He really hooked us up.
Scriptures About Sex & Intimacy:
Genesis 2:4-25
As you read this, think about what sex must have been like for Adam and Eve before the fall. There’s no exploitation, no erectile dysfunction or hormone issues, no abuse, nobody’s being objectified. What were their orgasms like?
4 This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created, when the Lord God made the earth and the heavens.
5 Now no shrub had yet appeared on the earth[a] and no plant had yet sprung up, for the Lord God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no one to work the ground, 6 but streams[b] came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground. 7 Then the Lord God formed a man[c] from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
8 Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. 9 The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
10 A river watering the garden flowed from Eden; from there it was separated into four headwaters. 11 The name of the first is the Pishon; it winds through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold. 12 (The gold of that land is good; aromatic resin[d] and onyx are also there.) 13 The name of the second river is the Gihon; it winds through the entire land of Cush.[e] 14 The name of the third river is the Tigris; it runs along the east side of Ashur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates.
15 The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 16 And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”
18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
19 Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.
But for Adam[f] no suitable helper was found. 21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs[g] and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib[h] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
23 The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
Song of Solomon (Narrated by Denzel & his wife, Pauletta)
Proverbs 5:15-20
Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
16 Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
17 Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
20 Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?
Reflection Questions
What’s the one thing you wish your spouse would do to make sex better? What’s stopping them?
I think Christians can get as freaky and creative as they want—except threesomes and sex parties, that’s probably off limits. And if you’re video taping yourselves, I don’t recommend sharing it.
But ultimately, we have to stop letting something God intended for good get judged as evil.
Here’s an excellent perspective that looks at another passage of scripture, in the Songs of Solomon, that gives Christian couples the green light to relish sex with our spouses:
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I have a friend shared with me what the Lord convicted her about and that was oral sex and anal sex. Both are wrong and it’s something that was birth out of homosexuality. The anus is a waste place so why would anyone dump seed in the waste place and oral sex because homosexual did not know how other ways to please they used their mouth. So not to judge but in my opinion I think oral sex it’s NOT ok and for those trying to stop or break away from that can be a struggle. Even masturbating that also is a sin because it takes away at a natural body to naturally climax and the bible talks about lifting up clean hands before the Lord so that’s another good topic and one that no one talks about that can be a struggle.
Thanks for sharing this. I love that your friend is hearing from the Lord in this area, and willing to obey whatever he says. It makes perfect sense that someone would feel convicted about anal sex. Several Bible translations equate sodomy with homosexual acts. If you find Bible verses that clearly condemn oral sex and masturbation, please share. If the Bible is against it, then we should be against it. However, if scripture doesn’t take a strong tone against oral sex and masturbation, then we shouldn’t.